Written by Heather Foley
Are you having a Christmas party this year? That’s great! Christmas parties are awesome and so much fun and everyone loves them, Unless of course you are having an ugly Christmas sweater party, those are terrible. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but there is nothing funny or clever about an ugly Christmas sweater party in 2016. Sure, it was a novel idea back in the early aughts, but now that places like Target are mass producing ugly Christmas sweaters can we all agree there is nothing even remotely charming about this party theme? Good, now that we’re all on the same, what the heck should the theme of your party be? Glad you asked. I just happened to whip together a dozen ideas, none of which have been beaten to death…yet.
Who gonna check you, boo? The Housewives have given us such classic Christmas moments as Kenya in green body paint as The Grinch who stole a Phaedra’s workout tape idea, the angry punk band at the early RHONY Chistmas party that had to be repeatedly bleeped out, Porsha running through the streets of Atlanta to beat someone’s ass dressed as a slutty Snowman. Those crazy broads are the gift that keeps on giving. Let us honor them with a theme party! “Make it nice” with some Ramona Pinot, set out a tray of sprinkle cookies, and shimmy into your red lace jumpsuit from the Countess Collection. Table flipping is optional.
Funky, Funky Christmas
A successful yearly nostalgia tour, multiple reality shows, sold out fan cruises, and a rumored Vegas residency, holy crap who would have believed The New Kids On The Block would be hanging tough (sorry, I had to) all these years later? Take it back to NKOTB heyday and party like it’s 1989. Blast Merry, Merry Christmas, perhaps the most underrated Christmas album of our time, and leave the catering to Wahlburgers.
Show me someone who says they don’t enjoy staying in their pajamas all day and I’ll show you a God damn liar. Give the people what they want and host a pajama party! And since I don’t believe in half-assing, serve your favorite breakfasty foods (pigs in a blanket and donuts please), play some classic cartoon Christmas specials, and keep the Bloody Marys and Mimosas flowing.
Classics are classic for a reason. Who wouldn’t want to leave a party with some Tupperware full of cookies? And if you don’t want to bake your batch (let’s get real, who does) give our pal Tough Cookies a call!
Remember last year when it was sixty degrees on Christmas Eve? Man, that was nice. I got a taste for a tropical holiday (at least tropical for New England) and I want more, so a Hawaiian themed party really speaks to me. Let’s be honest, by the time you get to Party City all the good Christmas decorations will be gone anyway, so just mosey on over to the beach isle.
Do you remember the fairy tale about the Gingerbread Man? Long story short, a lonely old couple bakes a Gingerbread Man because they can’t have any kids (dark), he runs away (as petulant cookie children will do) and is eventually eaten by a fox. Gather some friends and pay homage to that bizzaro children’s story with a spirited game of Ding, Dong, Ditch…just make sure you yell “you can’t catch me, I’m the Gingerbread Man” while you run from house to house.
Christmas Tree Shop Christmas
Don’t you just love a bargain? I do, and I love the Christmas Tree Shops, and I think they make a perfect party theme. Decorations, food, and Yankee Swap gifts must all be from a CTS, too bad they don’t sell booze. Will you go home with a bandana and a jar of peanut butter? Mosquito repellent candle? Handwarmers and questionable spray tan in a can? Who knows? What fun.
Guac and margs, enough said.
It’s A Wonderful Life
This is my FAVORITE movie of all time and such a great reminder of the riches friends bring into our lives, it really makes me wish I had some! Anyhoo, gather the Burt and Ernie (It’s A Wonderful Life secondary characters, not Muppets) to your George, fire up the VCR, and head to Bedford Falls. You can really wild and mix up some Bailey’s (what else) cocktails.
Yup, I 100% lifted this from 30 Rock, but isn’t it fun? And a much better theme from another 30 Rock Christmas episode, Lemon Party. And a couple Luda jams to your holiday playlist, invite your favorite ho ho ho’s from different area codes and serve up Conjure Cognac, yes Luda has his own liquor.
Wine and Wrapping
Wrapping presents sucks, make it suck a little less with lots of wine.
A Very Southie Christmas
When I think of Christmas in Southie I think of old school crowd pleasers like a cheeseball, sausage pinwheels, and any thing with crushed Ritz crackers, trays of food from our favorite Southie spots (helloooooo chicken, broccoli, and ziti from Porto Bello), and a little sprinkle of booze. To host a Very Southie Christmas crank it eleven and encourage guests to wear Southie sweatshirts, scally caps, and shelltoes. And it’ the perfect opportunity to (SHAMELESS PLUG ALERT) but out your CIS exclusive Southie wineglasses!
Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals!