Written by Peter Gailunas
So now that I am growing a mustache in support of Movember (http://www.caughtinsouthie.com/feature/movember), I’m trying to decide which type of mustache to grow. With great mustache, comes great responsibility. First, I had to decide whether I would grow other facial hair. At work, I’m not allowed to have a beard – so that cancels out the goatee. I had to decide on the cousins to the mustache too i.e. sideburns and soul patches. I ruled out side burns because of my new short hair cut. And I didn’t want to look like a douche bag with a soul patch. So my only remaining decision was what type of mustache – oh yes, there are types.
The mustaches that immediately come to mind are Tom Selleck’s and Burt Reynolds’ from Smokey and the Bandit. Both are full, and lush and extremely masculine. They are legendary in the mustache department. In my quest for the perfect stache I began to do some facial hair research, here are some I came across:
The John Waters:
The director of such movies as Hairspray and Polyester sports a pencil thin mustache. It’s thin and quirky sort of like him. I’m not really sure how that mustache would go over. I don’t really think that eccentric/flamboyant gay man look would go over at work too well. (I’m a firefighter for the BFD.)
The Bill the Butcher:
Bill the Butcher is a fictional character in Gangs of New York. He is based on a real person named William Poole who was in fact a butcher and a volunteer firefighter in New York. He was also a member of the New York City gang the Bowery Boys, a bare-knuckle boxer, and a leader of the Know Nothing political movement in the mid 1800’s. He had a magnificent handlebar mustache and was played by Daniel Day Lewis. This is the mustache of the old time boxers you see in pictures wearing singlets and with their fists out like the Fighting Irish Leprachaun. It’s a mustache I would shoot for but would take several months.
The Charlie Chaplin:
A.k.a the Adolf Hitler. Enough said. Except I don’t really understand how this type of mustache was fashionable at all. It doesn’t make sense to me. It looks completely ridiculous and I can’t imagine it ever being in style let alone coming back in style. You don’t even see skin heads wearing the Hitler mustache and they love Hitler.
The Fu Manchu:
This style of mustache became popular with Asian wise men. It is the cousin to John Waters’ as it is thin but the thing that makes it distinctive is it’s length. It is long and thin and hangs down below your chin. I can only imagine the stuff that mustache must get caught on. I have visions of me zipping it up in my Adidas warm-up jacket, it brushing on the top of the stand-up urinal, or dipping into my morning coffee.
The Gay Biker:
This is a variation of the Fu Manchu but it’s much thicker and does not hang down below the chin. I don’t think I want to look like a member of the Village People. I’d have to get a completely different wardrobe consisting of leather vests and little leather caps and cut-off jeans. I can’t see that look flying with my wife.
According to military protocol: Mustaches are authorized but shall be kept neatly and closely trimmed. No portion of the mustache shall extend below the lip line of the upper lip. It shall not go beyond a horizontal line extending across the corners of the mouth and no more than 1/4 inch beyond a vertical line drawn from the corner of the mouth.
The length of an individual mustache hair fully extended shall not exceed approximately ½ inch. Handlebar mustaches, goatees, beards or eccentricities are not permitted.
I’ve never been in the military nor do I have time to measure individual mustache hair. All of the above is way too confusing.
The John J. Romero:
Who’s John J. Romero? He’s the police chief of Lawrence, MA and if you are like me you get excited when he appears on the news because of his mustache. It might be one of the craziest mustaches ever. Not because it’s over the top and flashy but because it’s not. It looks like it’s some other guys mustache on his face or he’s wearing a disguise and picked up a mustache from IParty. It’s just too small for his face – not as small as Hitler but an inch or two bigger. No thanks.
Right now my stache resembles that of the legendary Ron Burgundy – anchorman extraordinaire. So with that in mind, “Stay classy, Southie!” That’s all for now – until my next blog.