The Worst Thing
Written by Heather Foley
I’m a terrible shallow person, but it really bums me out when I feel like a perfectly wonderful outfit has been wasted. It sucks. So to make myself feel a bit better, and to show you all that I’m slightly less shallow than you may think, I decided to make a list of things that are worse than wasting a cute outfit.
- Burning your favorite leopard print shirt with the iron. Okay, it doesn’t have to be leopard print, but burning a piece of clothing you love with the iron totally sucks, and it might be the worst way ever to start your day.
- Getting nail polish in your eye. Have you ever gotten nail polish in your eye? It hurts like a mutha, and also scares the shit out of you. No way you get polish in the eye without immediately thinking you’re losing that eye, and then how bad it would suck to have to wear an eye patch.
- Dude wear’s my iPod? Is there anything worse than getting to the gym and realizing you forgot your iPod? The very idea of getting on any of the cardio machines without music is almost too much to handle. Funny story, getting to the gym and realizing you forgot to trade your regular bra for a sports bra also totally sucks.
- Getting on the wrong bus in the morning, and taking a while to realize it. I admit, I’ve done this, twice. The bus stops in Southie during the morning commute can be nuts, and sometimes you get swept up with the crowd, and sometimes you don’t even notice you got swept onto the wrong bus until you’re halfway down Broadway.
- Speaking of the bus, watch where you sit. You would think someone would give you a heads up that there was a puddle on the seat you’re about to plop into, but not always. Sitting in a puddle is totally worse than wasting a cute outfit.
- Forgetting your food. Every morning I make myself a protein shake and then throw it in the freezer for a couple minutes while I pack everything else up for the day. Sometimes I forget about, leave it in the freezer and don’t even remember forgetting it until I go to take a sip on the bus. Then I’m all like “Aw man, this sucks” and my day is tainted.
- Hem down. One of the most annoying things in the world is stepping on your hem with your stiletto and ripping it down. Not only is it annoying when you first do it, it's consistently annoying all day because your heel then gets caught in it over and over and over again. It’s a bad time.
- DVR malfunctions. I love TV, if you’ve ever read anything I’ve written you probably know that I’ve been in a committed relationship with my television for years, so if there’s anything that can fold me into sobbing heap on the floor it's my cable box crapping the bed and messing up a recording. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does it’s a gut punch. I guess its true, you always hurt the one you love.
- Outing yourself as a Facebook creep. Have you ever accidentally liked a pic, status or comment on FB while creeping on someone’s page? So embarrassing! Or have you ever mentioned a comment that everyone knows would in no way ever pop up in your news feed. Like something someone you know commented on someone you don’t know’s post or pic? You can almost see their wheels turning, like “How did she know so-and-so said that about so-and-so’s vacation pic? Ooooooh, because she’s a creep, I get it”. Then you don’t know if you should keep your mouth shut or blurt out “I swear I’m not a stalker”, which almost always leads people to believe that you are, in fact, a stalker.
- Last but not least, probably the worst thing ever, stepping on a LEGO barefoot. Perhaps only the other parents out there can truly appreciate this, but nothing is worse than stepping on a LEGO. It’s kind of amazing how bad it hurts, like as bad as you think it might hurt, it hurts 100x worse. Everyone has probably stepped barefoot on something or another that hurt like a bitch, but LEGO pieces are the worst. It’s like their primary design objective was to cripple adults in the middle of the night. Stepping on a LEGO is the suckiest of all the sucky things, trust.
Ok so yeah, there are all sorts of terrible things out there that didn’t make my list, war, poverty, sickness, blah, blah, blah. Well, I’m not a gloom and doom kinda gal, I’m fluff, I’m bubbles, I’m as deep as a puddle, and that’s what you like about me, right? I know I’m not going to shine a light on any of society’s ills, but maybe I can make you feel a little better next time you have a mini-crisis like you got diet coke instead of regular coke at the drive though, at least it's not a LEGO.