Written by Heather Foley
Just a few years ago, I would walk over to M St. Beach if I wanted a quiet place to read and get away from it all. Now, well…now M St. Beach is slightly MTV Spring Break-y, and by “slightly” I mean “very.” If you’ve been to M St. beach lately (or Southie Beach, if you’re so inclined – I am not) you’ve noticed there’s been a change in the figurative landscape. The bros and whatever the female version of bros are have taken over. Seriously though, what is the female version? Is it bras? I’m going with bras.
Now that M St. Beach resembles the front lawn of frat house, you may be a little hesitant about going, but you shouldn’t be! The beach is clean, the water is clean, and there’s slush. Three solid qualities in a beach so don’t let the bros and bras keep you away! We have two options when we head to M St. Beach: treat it like a Jane Goodall-esque anthropological opportunity to view bros and bras in their natural booze-soaked habitat (well, their natural daytime booze-soaked habitat, after 8pm you can observe them at Stats) or you can try to pass yourself of as one their own kind. If you’re up for the task of blending in, you’re going to need some help. Lucky for you I’ve done some observing that Ms. Goodall herself would be proud of – so grab your notebook.
The nose knows. First of all, like any animal in the jungle, bros and bras can literally smell danger, so you need to cover up your natural scent. I suggest a mix of Bud Light Lime and Axe body spray to lower the natural defenses of the beach’s inhabitants. Day-old Fireball and Sidewalk Cafe iced coffee may also work in a pinch.
Looks are everything. Now that you’ve made it onto the beach undetected, you’ll need to look the part. For the fellas, you’re going to need a tight tank top, yes I said for the fellas. Guys, right now I know you’re probably thinking, “I can’t wear a tight tank top, I’ll look like an a-hole.” Two things – yes you will, and that’s the point. As far as the ladies go, I suggest a tiny bikini and an over-inflated sense of self-confidence. Either sex may accessorize with a cowboy hat or anything with a Barstool Sports logo.
When in Rome. Bros and bras do not go to the beach to relax, read a book, or take a nap. From my extensive research I’ve discovered that the number one thing bros and bras like to do at the beach is talk about how drunk they got the night before and then talk about how drunk they are going to get that night, so give it a try! Loudly proclaim things like, “OMG I was soooo wasted!” “Do you know who puked in my sink last night?” And/or “I can’t wait for country Sunday at The Playwright!” Whatever you do, don’t talk politics, current affairs, or books. They’re a dead giveaway you’re not one of them. And don’t ask them where you can get Molly; they’ll think you’re a narc.
Congratulations, you’ve successfully completed Heather Foley’s course, Bro/Bra 101. You’re now ready to spend the day playing corn hole and ironically liking 90s R&B with the millennials at Southie Beach. One thing, just do us all a favor and pack a garbage bag because the barrels the city puts out can only hold about three red Solo cups, and we know those crazy kids are going through more than a few of those.
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Anyone wearing Barstool gear needs to be wiped off the face of this planet. Highest order of douchebaggery.
ha ha ha…very well done I must say!
How about ‘broettes?’
Heather nailed it! Da Bro’s and Da Bra’s. Funny
Reading that article was a collossal waste of time. It wasn’t funny, and it reaked of the nerd trying to make fun of the cool kids in high school.
Geez, is criticism of the writing not allowed really?
As a younger person who enjoys the M Street Beach, I find this whole article to be an uneducated, judgmental attack on perfectly nice people who enjoy the social aspect of hanging out at a beach and maybe don’t share the same book reading agenda as the author. If you are this skeptical of the beach scene, then don’t go…you don’t sound like any fun anyway.
Love this article Heather! You are AWESOME!!!!
You want some cheese with that wine Bra?
Yep, I said it…this article is not only poorly written, but delivers a condescending tone that reeks of an “over-inflated sense of self-confidence” and judgemental “author”. Keep your nose to the sky and steer clear of M Street Beach.
What I want to know is who are these people being able to hang around on the beach all day on A TUESDAY. What exactly do they do for jobs and why aren’t they slaving away at work!?
Also as a “younger person who enjoys the M Street Beach” I found it quite funny and accurate. I’ve lived here 6 years and it has changed drastically over the past year or two. Lighten up. Later bra.
This may come as a shock to you, but Southie’s changed a bit in the past few years. Those “bros and bras” you speak of are the same kids that are spending their entire paycheck just to live in this “accepting” community we call Southie. And their drunken nights at Playwright and Stats are the reasons the local businesses are able to stay profitable, and why new bars/restaurants are able to open up here and ultimately increase the property value of all of our homes. If you have a problem with the crowd at “Southie Beach”, then I suggest it’s time you move to the burbs…or maybe just two blocks down to Carson Beach, unless that’s too low class fo you.
This may come as a shock to you, but Southie’s changed a bit in the past few years. Those “bros and bras” you speak of are the same people that are spending their entire paycheck just to live in this “accepting” community we call Southie. And their drunken nights at Playwright and Stats are the reasons the local businesses are able to stay profitable, and why new bars/restaurants are able to open up here and ultimately increase the property value of all of our homes. If you have a problem with the crowd at “Southie Beach”, then I suggest it’s time you move to the burbs…or maybe just two blocks down to Carson Beach, unless that’s too low class fof you too.
Southie had more character when it was a dump. Send all these children of privelege back where they came from.
THE FEMALE WORD FOR BRO IS “BECKY”. OMG BECKY JUST LOOK AT HER BUTT!
OMG YOU WERE SO WILD ON THAT PARTY BUS LAST NIGHT!
DID YOU JUST SEE THAT “SOUTHY” GUY SMILE AT ME- HES PROBABLLY LIKE A DRUG DEALER!
Entitled Millenials who apparently think they have the right to tell people to stay off public beaches, and to move.. PRINCESS!! The issue is the lack of basic respect for yourselves, and those around you. I don't think people use the term newsflash…haha…but newsflash Southie is not a party town. Southie is not "SOBO", and you will not destroy it. Southie has way more staying power than you do. You will eventually get bored with it and move on, and we will have our little corner of the world back. Until then, I will go go the beaches, and openly mock you, becuase if nothing else you are an excellent source of entertainment.
Things change, but stay the same. i grew up in Southie. The Southie natives back then wouldn't be sitting on the beach reading books either, and I can bet most had vicious hangovers from the night before. They didn't have the newer nicer bars then, but you can bet they spent their weekends getting shitfaced at any one of the hundreds of bars/taverns back then. However, they didn't hang out around M St because that part of the beach was a dump. Pleasure Bay was more popular. Oh, by the way. When you go the beach on a hot day, what are you supposed to wear? Tank tops are appropriate, or on top at all. Bikinis for women? What a novel idea. What's wrong with that? Unless of course age and weight creep mean you'd not be caught dead in one of them. But young and nubile bodies? Very appropriate.
in the old days the guys wore Arnold Palmer golf shirts with the collars up. Just a different kind of douchebaggery.