Good-bye Honey Boo Boo
Fare Thee Well Honey Boo Boo, Fare Thee Well
written by Heather Foley
Like many many people, I anxiously awaited for the TLC summertime premiere of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. And like many many people, I planned to hate watch the eff out of it. First of all,I think we can all agree that though entertaining pretty much everyone on “Toddlers and Tiaras” (where we first saw Honey Boo Boo) is bat-shit crazy and only tolerable in small doses, so the very thought of giving any of these nuts their own weekly show seems bananas. And let’s be honest, Honey Boo Boo seems like a pretty unlikely pick to get her own show. We all know the big names on the pageant circuit are Eden Wood and MacKenzie. (We all know that, right? It’s not just me?) Well, a funny thing happened on the way to the glitz pageant, I kinda fell in love with the Honey Boo Boo family.
If you only watched an episode or two you probably don’t get it. You probably find them crass, unrefined, and downright gross, and I’m not even going to try and tell you you’re wrong, because you’re not. They may not be all that refined or well-spoken (I love subtitles when people are speaking English BTW), but they are surprisingly likable. I think it boils down to they’re clearly nice people - Christmas in July to help the poor. And they’re very comfortable with who they are, and really isn’t that what all people should be? Remember the good old days of TLC, when it really was The Learning Channel? Long before the televised train wreck it is now? Well I’m not going to try to argue that HCBB harkens back to the golden days of TLC, but if you pay attention you really can learn a few thing. Like what kind of things? So glad you asked.
Expand your vocabulary. I learned quite a few new words and phrases thanks to HCHBB. As a writer (ha!) I’m always on the lookout for new words, especially for my lady junk and thanks to HCHBB I have a couple. The first is “biscuit". It’s cute, not too graphic and always appropriate - hooray for biscuit! Another word they use is “too-tay”, but I’m honestly not sure if that’s a synonym for biscuit or if it means bum, hopefully this will be explored in season two (fingers crossed). “Va-jiggle jaggle” sounds like it’s another word for a lady’s undercarriage, but the HCBB clan says is basically any body fat that jiggles, whimsical. “Beautimus” is another fun one. It’s basically a colorful way to say “beautiful.” I think my all-time favorite word I learned was “smexy,” which as far as I can tell is just backwoods sexy. And I’m only naming a few here, watch any episode and I’m sure you’ll find some new words to really punch up your vocabulary.
Expand your culinary horizons. Did you know you can buy junk food at food auctions? And I don’t mean like a meat raffle at the VFW, but legit “what am I bid” auctions where you can walk away with chips and baked goods! I might have to move to Georgia. Oh, and everyone who watches HCHBB learned a new pasta recipe. It’s called sketti and it’s super economical and easy to throw together. Just add a bottle of ketchup to a tub of butter, microwave it, mix, and toss with pasta, mmmmmm, I know what I’m having for dinner tonight (I bet it goes great with possum).
Expand your medical knowledge. Mama June gots her foot run over by a forklift, it led to a condition known as forklift foot. While I don’t know the exact medical specifics of forklift foot, I do know that it results in wearing a sock 100% of the time, the inability to withstand pedicures, and a mangled toe that attracts gnats the second its exposed to the air - seriously, that ain’t right, your toe should not attract gnats.
I don’t know if there’s going to be a season two of HCHBB, but if God hears my prayers there will be. I’m not even being fresh when I say I love this family, and they clearly love each other. I’m not sure I’m ready to say that Honey Boo Boo is America’s next sweetheart, but you know her success annoys the hell out of Kris Jenner and the Kardashian brood, and that’s enough for me.