Written by Heather Foley
Some simple tips and advice to keep in mind.
Since I'm so amazing at complaining, I've decided to write a little something on beach etiquette. Granted most of this stuff is common sense, but let’s be honest, people are morons. So if you know a moron who doesn't know how to behave at the beach forward this to them.
I'm big on personal space, at the gym, on the T, at the beach, so kindly be aware when you're setting up camp. First of all, if you don't know me, don't plop down next to me, unless you're a cute single guy with abs. Obviously the more crowded the beach, the less personal space we're all going to have and that’s fine. Just use your heads people! If there is 20 people on the beach you don't need to be within arms reach of me, unless you're a cute single guy with abs. Oh and if you plan on playing any sort of beach sports, please take the room you're going to need to play into consideration when picking out your spot. I don't need you throwing a football over my head, unless you're a cute single guy with abs.
The beaches in Southie are public, meaning they belong to all of us, not just you. So when you're at the beach please remember you're not the only one there. You may like to blast hard core gangsta rap, but that doesn't mean everyone else wants to listen to it. So kindly keep the volume down please. And speaking of keeping it down - 90% of what you say is completely uninteresting to strangers, so there's no need to yell, especially if there are kids and families near you and you really like to drop F bombs.
Watch your kids
Kids and families aren't off the hook here either! I know we all like to relax at the beach, but when you bring kids with you, you really can't, sorry. Someone in the group needs to watch them, and watch them like a hawk if they're little. I get serious anxiety when I see toddlers waddling around the water with no one paying any attention to them. And I know it’s nice when the people near you play with the kids in your group, especially if they're cute single guys with abs, but they're only doing it to be nice and its only fun for a short time, so don't let your kids be a giant pain in the ass.
Don't feed the birds
And probably most importantly, DON'T FEED THE F-ING BIRDS!!! There is seriously nothing worse than someone feeding or letting their kids feed the birds. Seagulls and pigeons are gross, and if you feed them you're gross. And you don't want to be gross, do you? You're better than that, have some self-respect. I don't care if you're a cute singe guy with abs, or a cute single guy with abs and a chin dimple. There is no redemption from feeding the birds. This also includes feeding the birds by default because you left half a sub in the sand, pick up your trash Pig Pen.
Grouchy old lady
I could probably come up with 40 or so more things that bug me, but I'm afraid if I keep going I'll move out of lovable curmudgeon territory and into grouchy old lady territory, and I'm fighting the title of grouchy old lady to the death.
So when you're at the beach this summer just have a little self-awareness, or better yet, ask yourself “What would Heather do?” Hhhhhhmmmmm, maybe we can get that printed on a t-shirt?