Advice to the Single Southie Girl

Stay away from this guy – Written by Heather Foley (orignally posted in June, 2011)

When it comes to male attention, my general attitude is beggars can’t be choosers (mostly because male attention makes me feel validated as a person, don’t you dare judge me.)  But when it comes to actually dating a guy, no self respecting gal should ever have the “any port in a storm” mentality.  Now I’m not claiming I’m picky, but here are a couple of types you might write into that “you should avoid at all costs.” These are in no particular order.

The Southie Charmer ?

Remember Matt Damon in “The Departed?”  He nailed the Southie Charmer.  He’s a deadly mix of cute and quick, and has been using his charm to get away with murder since grade school.  Most of us don’t stand a chance against him.  He knows exactly what to say, how to say it and how to look while saying it.  Do yourself a favor and stay away.  If you see a friend talking to the Charmer, it’s your duty as a girlfriend to yell, “You in danger girl,” and drag her away.  He’ll talk you into anything and make you think it was all your idea (including when he dumps you.)  Whatever you do, don’t introduce a charmer to your mother.  He’ll charm her too and she’ll never forgive you when it doesn’t work out.

The Super Yuppie ?

Southie is probably just a layover for this guy (fine with me) and you’re probably just a layover too.  I’ll bet he takes up two spots when he parks and rolls his eyes when you say, “Wicked.”  You probably get the vibe he’s a little condescending (because he is) and your family thinks he’s a pompous ass.  He won’t appreciate the Quencher and he won’t appreciate you.  Leave this chump in whatever waterfront bar you’ve picked him up.

The Frat Boy

?I’ve always been a sucker for boyish good looks, but there’s a big difference between boyish charm and the frat boy.  He probably lives with 4 of his equally young friends and though there’s always booze in the house (pro).  There’s always empty pizza boxes in the living room (con).  As someone (barely) out of her 20s, I can appreciate how flattering it is to have the attention of a younger guy, but it’s not worth having to step over his passed out buddies to get to the bathroom, so just move along……okay, you can make out with him before you move along.

The Hard Core Southie/Southie Serious Guy

?He asks where you’re from but doesn’t believe Southie because he doesn’t already know you – yes, he thinks he knows everyone from Southie. When you play the “Do you know?” game, every name he throws out there is a more ridiculous nickname than the previous one.  He may surprise you with assorted gifts – Coach bags, Red Sox sweatshirts, razors, but they’ve all “fallen off the back of a truck” (sorry to spoil the romance).  You might think this guy would be easy to turn down, but he probably has a bit of the Southie Charmer in him, and razor blades are f-ing expensive.

Your High School Crush 

?Okay this one isn’t necessarily Southie specific, but it’s definitely Southie relevant.  Ladies don’t hook up with your high school crush.  You’re probably looking at him through rose colored glasses and seeing him for the captain of the hockey team he once was, not the beer belly he is now.  Flirt by all means, but end it there.

Trust me, it’s way more satisfying to walk away with the upper hand and knowing the tables have turned.  Besides, he probably peaked in high school and you didn’t, so it’s a win/win for you.

There are obviously a ton of other types of guys you should stay away from (guys who don’t vote, guys who are rude to the waitress, guys who wear socks with sandals, guys who wear shorts of questionable length, long or short, etc), but I’ll save those for another day! 

Happy Hunting ladies!